How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
