proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
