Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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