if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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