im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
