Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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