my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
