Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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