What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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