The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
