Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
