she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
No more Irish car bombs ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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