Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
