If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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