I CAN MOONWALK!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
