so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i think my cat just said my name.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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