Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
