if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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