I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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