How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
