Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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