Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize