The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
