just survived the first fart of the relationship.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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