so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you win again, gameday.
I intend to get homeless drunk
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
