im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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