Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my liver is dry heaving
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize