i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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