3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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