I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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