Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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