We won't sleep together?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
