Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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