I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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