my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
