My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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