I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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