I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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