It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's never too late to be topless.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
