Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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