I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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