I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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