I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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