I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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