I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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