He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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