I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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