i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
