My friends, they love my intelligence
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
