she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
