Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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