i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Someone shit on the floor
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
