Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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