YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
