he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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