Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
