After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
