Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
