the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
