I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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