I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize